Reeling from the Sunday punch given him by the stench of rat droppings and bat guano, our elderly sexton shakily confirmed that there were numerous common pipistrelles in the belfry and that they mustn't be removed; but since I knew him to a bubbleable simpleton I said that I begged to differ, readily persuading him that - since under recent legislation bats were (as I maintained) no longer deemed to be a protected species - he should get on to diocesan pest control immediately.
Charged by his publisher with the task of making from the Greek an exoteric rendition, he at once assumed the cowed Friday face of a hungry petitioner, and with the quiet irony of a born eiron grieved that - pace the 'Woozle effect' notion that translation is a doddle - it was altogether beyond his humble powers to render Homer's πολυφλοισβοιο as other than 'poluphloisboious', but that he was confident that from its littoral context the common reader would readily get the gist.
'Had it not been for my crippling triskaidekaphobia', Arnold had half-spoken, half-sung, at yesternight's grim soiree of the Society for Private Musical Performances, 'I could have gone one better than dodecaphonicism'; and with that old Eeyore sank his pen in the hogshead of morosity that was his inkwell, and with trembling hand expunged a malevolent 'a' from his 'Moses und Aaron'.
When the Headmaster was seen to return his pen with such deliberation to its scriptor, our lad - no Eeyore, more the cheeky chappie - had glumly to accept that he couldn't wheedle his way out of detention this time for having painted 'go-faster' black eyestripes on the school's bichon frise.
You may, Jenkins, disparage my insistence on the maintenance of high academic standards as an outmoded idee fixe, and you may indeed assert the right to title your thesis on collecting Japanese quail eggs 'How to blow, like, them cute titchy little fellers', but - call me an old Eeyore if you will - I have every expectation that any External Examiner in Conservation Caliology and Oology will tolerate neither the tautology nor the grammatical solecisms, nor for that matter, the distressingly lax demotic patois.
If you chance upon a cunningly concealed nide of feral pheasants it's no use trying to coax them out or blandish them with assurances of their succulence, for no excess of Tapleyism will actually see them set about plucking one another in readiness; far better spend your time in anthrozoological investigation to learn if they can master computer CRUD, for it is long established that some ptarmigan (also of the order Galliformes) are tolerably proficient in creating, reading, updating, and deleting files.
"As long as I live at home and am required to style you 'mother' I suppose I must wear my sister's hideous hand-me-downs; but when I then look a bit glum I won't put up with being called a scruffy, moping Debbie Downer, since it seems to me I'm just a scapegoat sacrificed to your stubbornness in refusing alimony."
Despite everting my trouser pockets in search of small change I still didn't have enough for Jimmy's go on the big carousel, so instead of the promised equestrian and delphinestrian rides we had to make do with the kiddies' ramshackle roundabout, where a flaking amaranthine frog, with its legless cohort of juvenile powheads, had been skewered into place long, long ago.
'Why? - because it's both cruel and tacky', said Suzy, turning in disgust from the aquarium's timetable of daredevil delphinestrian displays, 'and if you have any more stupid wh-questions just remember that when we first met I divulged to you my passion for wild mushroom hunting, notably girolles, and I could right now be out foraging for them and' (she added) 'for another boyfriend.'
"I suppose they're quite nice, really", admitted little Sandra, downtoning any excitement at viewing a fearless delphinestrian balanced astride her surging mount; while, for the benefit of a group of elderly runologists already oriented towards the aquarium exit, the creature was made to spell out spumes of abecedarian letters - f, u, th, a, r, k - to eventual recognition (oh, right, 'futhark') and a perfunctory scatter of applause.
Particularly in view of the fact that you regularly meeched from our late Emeritus Professor Rugose's final lecture series, your colleagues' view is that they are under no obligation to accept your wholly unsuitable contribution to the forthcoming Festschrift: 'His nibs' predilection for anacoluthonic irrigation; non sequitur inferior monologues of pursy mouthings'.
Well, doctor, following upon the evening's festivities I retired alone to the pleached interlacings of the laburnum arbour - my private sanctuary, the work of no untutored sawbones but of my devoted Head Gardener - when I happened to glance up, only to see that it had been tricolated with multicoloured party streamers which, owing to my diagnosed apophenia, I read as confirmation that my wife would soon enough run off with the milkman.
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