Late in life, the great maestro of choreography liked to amuse himself by cobbling together scraps of hoary, mangy and pediculous old dance routines, punctuated by the random insertion of the odd tittup and élancé, and then practically daring the critics to pan these wheezy pastiches and thereby alienate his adoring public.
His Majesty was in high dudgeon after learning that his minions had splurged on silken pantaloons and other fripperies using funds that emanated from the royal purse.
Listen, I don't mean to disparage your favorite author, but any knucklehead can come up with a clever-sounding book title like "Sense and Sensibility" if all you have to do is toss off an obvious and indubitable paregmenon like "Penis and Penetration", or "Heel and Hallux", or "Fear and Ferocity", or ... "Beets and Japanese Beetles" ... right, Professor (why're you giving me that look again)?
"Class, today we have the great good fortune," enthused the professor, "to have a beautiful, fresh, young, newly exanimate cadaver to work on, so that we can wield our scalpels and discover the sectile properties of the human anatomy without the bother of the usual noisome stench, and I know we will all be thankful for such a generous boner -- oooops, I meant to say 'donor' -- pardon my lapsus linguae!"
Knowing that under the rules, the birth of a second daughter would forever preclude her from having a son, the peasant woman not only acquiesced in her husband's suggestion as to infanticide, but yelled at him to "quit lallygagging and fetch a chagal full of water so we can drown the cursèd thing!"
Any attempt to describe the glories of my recent vacation in Bhutan would probably rocket me into a state of Parnassian rapture, but if there were one low point, that would have to be the episode where I contracted a severe case of intestinal parasites after having imbibed from the same chagal that our hostel employed to bring in fresh, clean water as well as to haul away the other kind (as I later learned), in response to which the prioprietor attempted to ease my symptoms by administering to me a large ladleful of the essence of the fraxinella plant as an anthelmintic, all the while puffing away on his ever-present pipe, which, alas, triggered the ignition of the concommitant fumes from the medicine and resulted in both of us having our hair burned away down to the roots.
Only a couple of days into the Botswana leg of our tour, the fugleman for our group got so fed up listening to Mrs Grent, a hypochondriacal valetudenarian who loudly greeted every new activity or turn of events as a menace to her health, that -- taking her prophecies at face value -- he "accidentally" stalled the jeep for an hour and a half at midday on a treeless savannah in an effort to torrefy the old lady and, with luck, bring her to such a dissilient state that she would crack open like a dried-up seed pod from a baobab tree.
Vatican scientists posit the existence of an alternative universe wherein Adam and Eve reject the serpent as their fugleman , and thereby avoid being led to eat the seductive fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, a misstep which (if taken) would have presaged countless generations of human strife and suffering, but instead make their own way up the anfractuous paths of Eden to the highest point in the garden, where they discover the even sexier Gooseberry Bush of Electronic Entertainment.
Not long after the great jazz singer and composer passed away, his disloyal young protégé sold USA Today a bordereau found among the master's papers which comprised a detailed bibliography of professional resources, including such titles as "Heart and Soul: Making the Most of Metonymy" and "1001 Nonsense Vocables For Dummies Who Can't Come Up With Their Own Scat."
Gentlemen, let us take a respite from our labors to dedicate this beautiful bronzed cardigan sweater in memoriam to our beloved confrere, Migglin, the undisputed master of the ancient art of ikat, who would still be with us if some idiot -- you know who you are -- hadn't flipped the light switch off just as he was tiptoeing precariously around the rim of one of his giant vats of boiling indigo dye with his arms entangled in yarn.
Jeeves, a truly zealous factotum would not need to be told -- how can you consider that I am ready to appear at tonight's shindig until you have properly plumped up the peplum on this gown to show off my lovely maniglie dell'amore to their fullest advantage?
The grand industrial tycoon liked to demonstrate his munificence by presenting a cheery new gingham suit or frock to each of his workers' children each Labor Day , but he recoiled from their hugs and kisses of gratitude, sensibly fearing these little fomites might easily communicate some of their pestilence to his own person.
After an agonistic performance of feather rattling and scraping of the pavement with his enormous tail, the wild turkey condescended to peck a single skosh of corn from the palm of my hand and promptly skedaddled, his crimson snood flapping from side to side as he strutted away.
A passionate drinking contest in the ongoing battle of the sexes between me and my girlfriend was the proximate cause of my overly aspirating the word "why?" in a smart-alecky response to the ticket agent at the American Airlines counter who was asking about our final destination, a snafu that resulted in us coming to our senses midway through a flight bound for Honolulu, and in me being set back more than a pittance on my Mastercard account -- I had assumed that the agent would know from our coats and our skis that we wanted the flight to Denver!
On the morning of his first visit to Dominican Republic Jake amused himself by meandering from bar to bar along the beach, drinking piña coladas by the pitcherful and japing at the mangled anglicisms he detected in the dialect of the local waitstaff, but by midafternoon he had succumbed to the blistering heat and fallen into a profound syncope, during which he hallucinated that an enormous marine mammal crashed headlong onto shore only to burst into flames while the local populace scurried about screaming, "Oh, the huge manatee -- the huge manatee!"
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