The young scholar, having flunked miserably out of veterinary school, found a consolatory avocation in the practice of amateur otorhinolaryngology, and spent many a merry evening ransacking with scalpel and forceps the upper respiratory tracts of his "patients", whom he met while skulking on paths in the fens and along the riverside, and whom he lured back to his chambers with the promise of something strong to drink.
"Perhaps you can help me relieve my angst at having a tiny sliver of salmon vertebra lodged in my epiglottis," I said to the comely young practitioner of otorhinolarangology in the ER, "for whenever I swallow, I imagine that someone is twisting a poniard in my throat!"
Of all the remarkable spectacle and athletic prowess that went on display during the gymkhana marking the Queen's seventy-fifth year on the throne, the highlight had to have been the presentation by the poet laureate, who, having been commissioned to pen a work that would encapsulate the sempiternal wisdom of the nation's soul, delivered the following palinode which quite literally left the old monarch with her mouth hanging open: "Roses are red But violets aren't blue; They're technically more Of a purple-ish hue."
"Abstract and floral motifs have enjoyed a sempiternal and universal prevalence in graphic art in the Islamic world", explained the noted Oxford professor of vexillology during his interview on Fox TV News, "and so naturally these millefleur patterns carried over into the design of national emblems and standards adopted during the statehood movement that followed the collapse of the Ottoman empire after the Great War -- or to make allowances for the diglossia which prevails here in your own land, 'Gosh, them Arabs sure do like their li'l flowers and squiggles all over their flags.'"
"Listen up, Lieutenant, you measly xanthic-livered pipsqueak, if there are any further manifestations of your animadversion to my command -- or to my choice of words, which you seem to find AMUSING -- you will find I have it within my power to sandbag your career so soundly you'll be lucky to survive a second go-round in boot camp!"
"Here at Dupont Lawncare Inc we take an expansive view of both ecology and theology, and believe that man was created to do better than just make shift with the world in its so-called natural state, for there's not a sward of grass on God's green earth that wouldn't benefit from a heavy Rx of the right chemicals, and I mean applied semi-weekly by our team of experts, at a price you can afford."
One by one we hoised up Daddy's bones through an aperture in the roof of the cavern, and and tried to piece them together into the semblance of a human skeleton on the ground above, and while the lore was already taking root among the family that he had been abducted by fairies while on a spelunking adventure the day he went missing ten years ago, the prosaic truth is more likely that he had been staggering around the woods blind drunk and fallen down a hole.
That sea captain was a curious old codger who, far from calming down in response to the canorous vocalizations of white whales which we played in the background in hopes of lulling him to sleep, leapt out of his bed and began, by all appearances, to dance a mad hornpipe, notwithstanding the severe podiatric chilblains that had necessitated his visit to the emergency room in the first place.
"So here I am explaining my concept for a suspension bridge to cross the Bay of Fundy," complained the famous architect, "with cables twisted and curled to resemble a little girl's hair ribbons, and spangled with jargoons to reflect the variable sunlight, and all these engineering wonks want to talk about is prosaic drivel concerning the feasibility of building secure caissons to support construction of the pillars!"
Martin suffered from a loathsome and intractable illness which dotted his skin with eruptive pustules the color of jargoon, and inhibited his social life, but in his fantasies he was an intrepid oneironaut who buzzed from woman to woman in the manner of a hummingbird visiting blossoms, hovering over each one and implanting a tiny memento of their encounter, which would burgeon within her and render her trousseau obsolete.
At the age of fourteen, Carmella was a confirmed trendite who would wear a rhinestone and jargoon tiara to school if that were the fashion among her peers, and by the following year, she seemed completely to have abdicated the faculty of oral communication in favor of a sort of continual electronic stychomythia accomplished by drumming her thumbs on a little box.
"Is it kind, is it fair," declaimed the Dixiecrat senator, his orotund and insinuating voice breaking with the occasional agrement of a stifled sob, "is it humane, to enfranchise our Negro friends and thus burden them with the ponderous civic duty that entails, on top of the exhausting trachle they perform daily in the fields?"
In the hadal depths of the Indian Ocean, Osama has arrived in the world he dreamt of, where the materialistic vulgarians who rule his native land, and the philosophers of ecumenism who pollute its religious purity with their theocrasy, are utterly absent -- a situation which, by and large, must conduce to the happiness of everyone concerned.
Doctor Applewood discharged his sexton's duties hastily and swoopstake, occasionally throwing stray, juvenile members of the funeral cortege into the grave right along with the deceased; but one was willing to forgive him his professional vagaries insofar as his nonpareil talent on the zither was considered indispensible to the success of the luncheon that followed the interments.
When, moving like an automaton, I stepped onto the pavement of the busy interstate roadway, my nervous system was encumbered by the combined effects of marijuana and the little purple fungal calyculus I had found growing on the carcass of a squashed armadillo and popped into my mouth; and that I survived the crossing lends credence to the concept of a guardian angel.
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