Holmes had devised a trick to render himself invisible -- and remember, he had the frame of a leviathan -- to his enemies, be they man or beast, even when he was standing in an open field: using his intense powers of ratiocination, he deduced and internalized the very essence of treeness, to the point that his impersonation of a Japanese maple over a two-day period was deemed a complete success, barring one embarrassing encounter with a hound that necessitated a redaction in the published account of his adventure.
After a lifetime of mammonism, old Brissolm felt he was rich enough to allow himself a great luxury: the construction of a set of Penrose stairs around the perimeter of his bedchamber, so that throughout the night as he lay dozing he might be encircled by a whole chapter of Benedictine monks, endlessly trudging upward without ever escaping his orbit, and all the while chanting a saccharine berceuse of his own composition.
Sharkey was a good boss but kind of verbose: instead of telling me I had skinnier gams than the other girls he'd always call me his "polliwog among the fulsome frogs", and if one day my hair was frizzy he'd say, "Girl, looks like you carryin' a tumbleweed in your tumpline!"
Dearest Jane, I write to convey the distressing news that I am to be stationed somewhere far from the City, away out in the boondocks, where I fear the locals may confuse normal speech (such as ours) with the verbose effusions of a prig, and not wishing to be japed at, or made a figure of fun, I am determined to cull through my capacious memory bank and so do away with any vocabulary that might tend to invite unwanted attention, until I have finally taught myself to communicate as they do -- through a sequence of grunts and crude gestures.
"Step right up, folks, and get one of your own!" cried the rabbits-foot salesman at the village fair, "-- each guaranteed to possess a mojo powerful enough to turn a common ceorl into a landed squire, a panty-waisted milquetoast into a fire-breathing hellion, and a base scribbler of anapest doggerel into a vates to rival Chaucer!"
Dr Frankenstein doggedly pursued his creation across the stark polar landscape in the hope of recapturing it, determined to salvage what was left of his reputation after that embarrassing brouhaha about the strangled child, although in fairness he had to admit the persnickety brat had asked for it by mocking the monster for its uncouth manners and its smelly, ill-fitting suit of clothes.
"All of our vates must prominently display this emblem depicting the Muses to prove they have successfully completed an officially accredited course of poetic instruction," explained the Minister of Culture, "because it would provoke quite a brouhaha down at the Ministry if some boob who had lately discovered an aleatory knack for versifying were permitted to spout his doggerel freely in the public square!"
"Leave it all to me, pet, it's insider baseball," my husband used to reassure me, when it came to managing my stock portfolio, but what a brouhaha I raised upon discovering he had gophered it from end to end with foolish speculations until he had decimated its worth: I screamed, "Now I shall have to work as a drudge until I am ninety!!"
As the first feathery flakes of snow began to fall, the teacher's aide gave a gleeful fillip of her fingers, invoked the force majeure clause of the new contract and led her colleagues out the back door of the Shagbark Preschool and Daycare Center to go paint the town red, leaving the headmistress all alone to flounder in the incoming tide of sniffling, overstimulated infants.
The very drunk gentleman looked at his watch and abruptly tried to levant out of the bar to avoid paying his tab, but his trouser cuff caught on the nub of the brass foot rail, leaving him to porpoise up and down in a pantomime of escape, which caused the lady who had been seated on the stool next to his to cacchinate until she keeled over from an apparent occlusion of blood to her brain -- then even I erupted in giggles as it occurred to me that this all had transpired at the "stroke of midnight"!
Lamia, my darling, please stop biting the children and come take a gander at this fanfaron on the television who boasts he can recite all of Shakespeare's sonnets by heart -- come, I know what a bardolator you are, and not just because of the delicious recipes to be found in Act IV, scene one of MacBeth!
There I was, tripping down the lane and bombilating the latest Bieber I'd heard on the radio, when it transpired that our neighbor Mrs. Gloy stuck her head out of her kitchen window and bellowed, "Freddy, do come in and have a bite and help me with this puzzle, you're so good at crosswordese," arousing a bit of panic on my part, till I was able to crawfish out of the situation by making an about-face and hollering back, "Sorry Mrs. G., I just remembered I left some eggs frying on the griddle!"
The first suitor tried to win the princess's hand by overawing her with his ability to rip a quoin from the corner of her castle and heave it into the middle of the lake; and the second, by singing madrigals in such demulcent tones that the knights' steeds lay down on the grass and fell asleep; but Espen Cinderlad won the day and the princess's heart by setting up a lazy Susan on a folding table in the middle of the lawn laden with twenty-three different varieties of cheesecake and inviting her to be seated on the solitary stool he placed next to it.
General Pinochet considered himself the victim of an extreme and diabolical form of xenophobia at the hands of the British when, turning the Lazy Susan on his table in the dining room of his hotel in Mayfair, and admiring the soigne' arrangement of dainties that had been placed there for his delectation, he discovered tucked amongst them a capias informing him of his immediate arrest.
Mr Jackson had needed to be admonished by his handlers on two occasions during that trip to Berlin; the first time for having dangled his infant daughter over the cornice of the Grand Hotel in order to show her off to the crowd in the street below, and the second, for his attempt to debauch a young busboy while spinning him around atop the lazy Susan on a banquet table in a posh Turkish restaurant.
Quadrivial Quandary (QQ) is owned and operated by Rudi Seitz.
Sentences submitted to QQ are the property of their authors. See our page on Copyright Information for details.
Dictionary definitions are the property of their respective sources, presented here via public RSS feeds or otherwise with permission.
All other material is copyright 2015 by Rudi Seitz, all rights reserved.
Use of this site is governed by our terms of service.
Contact: rudi at quadrivialquandary dot com.