But, knowing that would never happen, Timothy Michaelmas-Daisy found his voice: "a large brandy, thank you, Toby," and watched the barman, Flossie, pour him two fingers; "what can I do for you gentlemen?" he asked, "two whips in one place seems a tad excessive, not to say bingeable!" and Toby leaned into Timothy's personal space: "the Dame was so impressed with your speech the other day, when she'd lost her voice and the whole Government was stood at a cliff-edge and all depended upon your clarion call, she wants to hear it again next week," and he laughed, "you seem to be her blue-eyed boy right now! you could always take a clarsach into the House and accompany yourself," but Tim was puzzled: "in what context does she want to hear it?" he enquired cagily, but it was Simon who took up the reins: "exactly the same one, Timmy, old son – when her New Deal gets it's third chance," and Timmy goggled: "you mean she's bringing it back?" and received the assurance that indeed she was: "and we're putting up a Four Line Whip! any Cabinet Minister who fails to vote is going to be hanged, drawn and quartered," guffawed Toby: "by Ripple and me, after we've separated him from his balls, personally and very publicly!" he rubbed his hands together with glee: "so you'd better make it spontaneous, filled with rhetoric and meaning, as many double-entendres as you can muster, and enough threats to ensure that they'll be piling into the Lobbies faster than their hairy little legs can take them!" with which he and Simon drained their glasses and after patting Timothy on the back, squeezed out of the door and went off singing, and playfully whipping each other just to keep in practice, after which Timothy joined Sir Wilfred and Quentin at their table: "what's all this about bringing it back for a third time?" he whispered, well aware that the three Beddingshire Members had their ears tuned in his direction; Sir Wilfred ostentatiously looked under the table, then covering his mouth with his hand, said: "she needs to smash the Confederacy of Dunces to smithereens!" and Timothy looked at him in surprise: "Dunces? what do you mean?" he asked; and Sir Wilfred explained: "the alliance of Right, Left and Independents, together with the DUP, Nationalists, Green and disaffected Remainers – we have to split them up if we're going to command a majority, and she's relying on you to do it, Timothy," at which Tim rolled his eyes: "it isn't even my speech, Sir Wilfred, you know that; my speech-writing skills are nothing but scripturiency – Quentin wrote the speech for the Dame and I don't have the proper cadence, I'm no orator," but his protestations were waved away: "nonsense m'boy, you have a natural diffidence, but that can be overcome by rigorous practice, you just have to sound as if you believe in what you are saying and it will all come out right; remember Passport to Pimlico?" and Timothy brightened at mention of the famous Ealing Comedy set in his own constituency: "of course, sir, it's the first film I remember seeing – it's what gave me ambitions to enter politics!" and Sir Wilfred smiled: "then imagine you are Stanley Holloway as the new Burgundian Prime Minister, defending your citizens' right to self-determination – think you can do that?" and Timothy agreed eagerly: "oh, yes, Sir Wilfred, I'll watch the DVD again tonight and begin practising my delivery – you don't think I'm a bit young to be Stanley Holloway?" but Sir Wilfred shook his head: "no. no. lad, he was your age when they made that film, he was just one of those chaps born looking older than he really was," and he was pleased that Timothy believed him – it was important that Timothy had no doubts about his own abilities, if he was to swing any final floating voters in the House when the Dame brought her New Deal back again, and, possibly, again and again!
Any careful reader of the preceding sentence will note that, while the words growl, encroach and walla are indeed there, for some mysterious reason the other word - bingeable - has disappeared from the corrected proof, clearly the work of a gremlin, intent on putting a spanner in my works but, as it is quite obvious where it stood, I will be grateful if readers merely insert it in the proper place, using their undoubtedly massive immaginations; thankyou MissTeriWoman
Editor's Note: well it wasn't me, Dearie!
And just as the voices subdued – for no-one wants to be named by Mr Speaker, although, in truth, all three of the Honourable Members from Beddingshire had indeed been named on occasions which really aren't part of this story, but to which I may return later – sounds of a strange song could be heard from the Gentlemen's toilet: "ooh, eeh, ooh, aah, aah, bing-bang-walla-walla-bing-bang; ooh, eeh, ooh, aah, aah, bing-bang-walla-walla-bing-bang!" and the door flew open and two Right Honourable Members tumbled out, faces red and clothes in some disarray! there was a growl from Sir Wilfred, sufficient to discourage the newcomers too avoid encroaching upon the table he occupied with young Quentin; at which point Toby Tunnock – known to his intimates as Teacake – and Simon Sigismund-Smoot – whose closest friends nicknamed Ripple, for some reason known only to themselves – spotted Timothy, and swung, as one, towards him, quickly zipping up their flies as they encroached on him, while he, instinctively took a step back, only to find himself pressed against the bar, where Flossie asked for their order: "usual for Ripple and me, Flossie, dearest," boomed Toby, "what's your poison, Timmy? you're not a regular habitué of Floozies, are you?" at which point, for the fifth time in as many weeks, Tim wished the floor would open up and swallow him!
Which is how it came to pass that on Friday, after a thoroughly hectic fortnight and with the prospect of more of the same to come, in more ways than one, Timothy Michaelmas-Daisy found himself, to his profound surprise, still the Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union and at a bit of a loose end, and that is why he plunged into the subterranean passages of the Palace of Westminster and eventually, round a series of concentric corners, in The Floozie's Bar, where, as he expected, he found The Conservative Members of Parliament for the three Beddingshire Constituencies, North (Sir Pompus MacFarlane), Mid (Mr Digby Doubleday) and South (Ms Natalie Rhombus) - the first-named, known to find bingeable boys in the Gents here, the second a two-bit slugabed who only ever arrived at the Palace after 3pm, while Natalie was a renowned routinier who, in the days of The Cameronian Cat and the Villain from Vanity Fair, was universally referred to, but only behind her front, as Batty Natty – but also, totally unexpectedly, Sir Wilfred Heath-Robinson, Minister to the Cabinet Office, and his PPS Quentin Quibb, both of whom Timothy had been assiduously avoiding since his first encounter with the old man, on the River Steps and even now, he turned sideways and hoped that he could get behind the bar before he was spotted, but, alas, he was too late and five distinct and easily identified voices turned his name into a melodious harmony complete with a soprano descant and provoked the barmaid, Flossie Flowers to cry out: "stoppit, you lot! if Mr Speaker 'ears you've bin a-singin' an' a-dancin' when we ain't not got no entertainment licence 'e'll 'ave us up afore the Ways an' Means Committee an you lot'll be named an' given a seven-day suspension!" at which Sir Pompus, an occasional wit, replied: "well I'll be hanged!"
Two days later, Tim was again joined on the River Steps by the old man: "are ye still in a joab, Tim?" asked he, and Tim replied with a nod: "she says it isn't over till she says it's over!" and the old man laughed: "do you remember South Carolina's Nullification Act?" but Tim had to shake his head, so the other continued: "of course, ye're just a slip of a lad, and I must have looked a bit like ye then, but if ye put things in terms of gamification - ye'll be familiar with Transactional Analysis and the Games People Play?" and sadly, Tim again shook his head: "ah, it's a poor kind of education ye've had, Tim, me dear fellow, and I'm sorry tae express animadversion on the antics of ye're boss-lady; I daresay that an Einsteinian approach to her problems might not be welcome, but ye know, when there's a roxy apple in the barrel, it's only gettin rid of it that saves the rest – but ye have tae time it right, Tim, if ye don't want it tae burst in yer haund, an spatter yer guid suit an shiny shoes, maybe ye have tae think about yer own situation in terms of a story, d'ye see what I'm drivin at, Tim? d'ye follow me drift?" and this time Tim nodded, for he recalled a school
play, in which he wore a white sheet and carried one of those retractable stage daggers, while he and the others crowded around the tragic figure who cried out 'et tu. Brute?' without the inflexion, and despite the Drama Teacher's reprimand and the giggles of the other assassins, Tim squirmed with guilt and remorse, but took the old Man's bottle while they sat on the steps just a couple of feet from the bible-black, slow black oily ripples as the river flowed past them, below and above, although the sounds of the city barely reached their depth, and he enjoyed the warmth as the whiskey trickled down his throat, and he asked: "why are you here?" and the old man took a swig himself, before saying: "why, jist like yersel, Tim, me lad, I'm just waitin fer Dogot," and Tim almost laughed, then said: "don't you mean Godot?" at which the old man looked at him with a curious expression of sadness and mirth, and whispered: "ye'll ken when ye see him, with yer own eyes, Tim," and took another swig, before passing the bottle to him!
Timothy Michaelmas-Daisy sat, rather forlorn, on the river steps which lead down to the Thames from the Houses of Parliament, a bottle of sparkling water in his hands, sipping occasionally and reflecting on the second worst day of his life, when he heard a cough behind him and looked up to see an elderly vagabond, tottering a few steps higher: "evenin' squire," said the tramp, "is that step taken?" at which Tim jumped to his feet and daded the old man down until he was safely seated beside him, when Tim offered him his bottle: "water! ferfucksake, squire, what do ye think I am? tee-total?" and he produced a half bottle of a decent Irish whiskey from one of his many pockets, removed the cap and offered the bottle to Tim: "d'ye have a phone, squire?" asked the other, regarding Tim carefully and Tim wondered if he was about to be mugged, but the tramp sensed his hesitation and laughed: "don't be worryin' yersel, squire, sure an' how on earth could I charge wan o they things, if I could even fathom out how tae work it?" and Tim returning the bottle, he took a good slug and wiped his mouth with the back of a grubby hand: "aaah, sure an' it's the Holy Water right enough; no I wondered if ye'd like tae tak a selfie wi' me?" and Tim asked: "why?" and remonstrated internally at his own crass rudeness, adding hurriedly: "why of course, if you don't mind, Mister?" at which his new friend waved the question away: "no names, no pack drill, think of me as Everyman, following the rolling English road the English drunkard made!" and Tim regarded him more closely: "G K Chesterton?" and received a nod in return: "I knew him well, laddie, me, him an' Yeats often passed a pleasant afternoon in a pub, whose name escapes me, but you're lookin' awful down in the dumps fer one so young, are the cares o the world pressin' down on ye?" and Tim replied: "you could say that, well, you see I had an important job and I failed, the thing I was working on has been scrapped because of me and my boss is in an awful mood – she desperately wanted it to succeed, I didn't ask for the job and to be honest, I'd been opposed to the whole thing, but tried my very best, and now she's become a laughing stock and she's blaming me and I can't say I blame her and I don't know if it's worth carrying on, at all!" and the tramp slid closer and put an arm round Tim's shoulders and said: "let me delate a little story, lad, it's about two men sittin on the steps above a coal black, cold black river on a windswept, rainswept night when the stars were all abed and the moon had given up the ghost and gone home; an' the first fellah, let's call him Dick and the other is Harry, anyway Dick is cryin' an' Harry asks him why, an' says: aren't you a poet? at which Dick looks down at his clothes and says: isn't it obvious? so Harry asks Dick to tell him a poem and Dick thinks and says, here's one: From Carrickmacross to Crossmaglen, There's more rogues than honest men; and Harry says, I read that in a book and Dick says, yes, lots of my poetry has been published, are you an artist? and Harry says I wanted to be one, but I had no talent, so I became a house-painter, like my aged father, and Dick says do me a picture, and Harry says I don't have any paints, or even pencils, chalks or charcoal, so I can't do a picture for you, even if I wanted to, it's impossible, so Dick says, describe it to me, and Harry asks, what with? and Dick says, words, and Harry says: well, there's a small house in a dappled glade in a forest, the house is thatched and the walls are cob, dried hard and painted in a white-ish wash, which sometimes looks green-ish, or grey-ish, or yellow-ish, or pink-ish, depending on the light, and in the house live an old man and his elderly wife and their only child, their daughter Magda, who sits outside the house, shelling peas, dropping the shells in a bucket and the peas n a bowl; the bucket is rusty iron and the bowl is cream enamel; Magda is wearing a dark dress, with an apron that was once blue but is faded from washing and stained from working, her blonde hair is tied back in a plait and her head covered with a blue headscarf, her wooden clogs are brown, and on her ring-finger is a thin gold ring that her boyfriend Wenzel gave to her before he went to the War two years ago, since when she has heard nothing of him; the War is far away, and neither Magda nor her parents know who their King is fighting, nor why, all they can do is hope that Wenzel will survive the War with his arms and legs still able, for when he and Magda marry, he will come and take over the small farm which is just to the right of the picture; the farm has a number of fields, in two they grow corn and rye, in another two, potatoes, turnips, carrots and other vegetables, and in the fifth, they keep three cows, a dozen sheep, two pigs and twenty hens; twice a day, Magda feeds the animals and checks the hen-houses for eggs, the rest of the day she helps her mother in the house or her father in the fields; she worries about what will become of herself and the farm when her parents die, and if Wenzel doesn't return, and so, as she shells the peas, tears flow from her eyes and drip onto her apron and her hands; why, says Dick, that's a lovely picture, because it tells all there is to know, or need to know, you are a true artist, but you suffer from impostor syndrome! and Harry says, I am not an impostor, I am who I am; but, says Dick, you don't believe in yourself, you impersonate someone who cannot visualise the picture you painted with words; and in the silence, Tim asks the old man: "which were you, in the story," and he replies: "ah, you have spotted it – well, I am Dick, the poet," and Tim asks: "who was Harry, what became of him?" and the old man replies: "why you, you are Harry, and it's up to you to decide what becomes of your life!"
"You see, Dougie, old bean, the thing is, there aren't four candles missing from the stores, I mean Fork Handles of course, not even one, we only ever had a dozen large forks and a dozen spare handles, and all of them are accounted for; and while you seemed to have been roughed up, the Doc says it could easily have been self-inflicted, none of the bruises was very significant and the gash on your head that caused all the blood was superficial and there was no indication of concussion, no symptoms, y'see? you do see where I'm going with this, don't you, old chap? and then the rope that had been used wasn't even tied tightly, we cut you out to save the knots for examination and it took us no time to free you and one of the men in Hut Seven is apparently very knowledgeable about knots, you'll know him pretty well, Jock M'Toole, and he showed us that most of the knots are German – I had no idea that some knots are only used in certain countries – they don't all use our reef knots, which was a surprise – and Jock, who was in the Merchant Marine between the wars, just happened to have a book with illustrations of some of the more complicated knots and, d'you know what? he was absolutely right! the Germans call one the Bavarian Biter and there were four of them on the ropes – and the thing about that Biter is, it can stand a lot of tugging and hold itself damned tight, but if you pull one cord in a particular way, the whole thing falls apart – so it occurred to us that, if for some reason no-one came to check on you, say if there was a Hut on fire at the far end of the Camp and everyone was so busy we forgot about you, you could have easily slipped the ropes off and stowed the rope away and stretched your arms and legs and then just played doggo if you heard your relief coming, you see?" and Captain Buccleuch gave MacDougal another shot of rum, which he downed in one gulp and the Commander continued: "so we pretty well know how they got away from the Brig, but what we don't know, and I'm rather hoping you'll tell us, is did they have access to a wireless and contact a German vessel which came and picked them up? and if not, where have they gone? oh yes, and why did you help them anyway?" and MacDougal gave the Commander a baleful look: "the Gerry ane, Reichsmarshall Herman Goering, he telt me that when they tak Britten, they're goanie split up the fower countries tae whit they used tae be an he wis sure the Fuhrer, Heil Hitler, wud be gratefu fur ma help an wud agree wi Goering tae mak me King o Scoatland, King Dougal the Furst!" neither Commander Abernathy nor Captain Buccleuch laughed at the man's bathetic stupidity and gullibility, though it was a struggle to keep straight faces: "that's very interesting Dougal, I can see the attraction for you; I know the Clan MacDougal was on the receiving end of some pretty harsh treatment after the Jacobite risings in '15 and '45 and I'm sure there's no love lost between your Clan and the Government in London, or even the Royal Family, which you probably think of as German, anyway, so the thought of being upcycled to Royalty is like a dog getting a pat on it's head, am I right?" and the man smiled for the first time: "darn tootin! the rot set in after Jamie II abdicated and King Billy cam ower fae Holland, but when German Geordies cam in, hauf o them couldna even speak English, let alane Scots or Gaelic! sumdy hus tae dae sumpn tae set Scoatland free agin, so hoo no a MacDougal King? hoo no Me?" he asked this quite defiantly and it was all Buccleuch could do to stop himself giving the wee nyaff a guid skelp across his lugs, but it was the Commander who spoke: "so where are they now?" and MacDougal shrugged: "ah think they wis goanie trek across country tae the German base, there's radios and plenty food in a secret bunker, Goering said they could signal their whauraboots an a U-Boat wud pick them up easy peasy – he kens his onions ok, fur a Kraut!" as Abernathy stood, he said to Buccleuch: "get one of the Clerks to take down MacDougal's statement for enciphering and we'll transmit it to London, and post two guards here until further notice," and, at the door he turned and looked at the insignificant wee NCO and wondered if it wouldn't be best if he were just allowed to freeze to death, but then MacDougal said: "an mind, Airchie, if am goanie be King, ye'd mebbe best tell the men tae treat me as the Heir tae the Throne noo, so'ze they dinnae end up as ma prisoners efter the war, eh, no?" but Abernathy refused to respond to the jibe and slammed the door shut after him, swearing as he made his way back to the Headquarters Hut, wondering if there were any knuckle-dusters or cattle prods in the stores! now as it happened, Abernathy was a pretty good chess player and could usually see the game a dozen moves ahead, and he reasoned that MacDougal was a patzer, and like most, a sucker – he'd already betrayed his master's likely hiding place, and that was without the thumbscrews – so if he knew any more, which was by no means certain, it shouldn't take much of a feint to have him spilling the beans and, with any luck, they could have every last man-jack of them in custody before the week was out – oh, pity the traitor's chances when when his erstwhile friends found out how they'd been tracked down and captured!
It didn't take Commander Abernathy long to go through the schedules with Captain Buccleuch and see that the one Marine who spent the majority of the Day Shifts at the Brig was Lance-Corporal Dougal MacDougal – in fact he had swapped shifts on a number of occasions, finding many of his shipmates happy to get out of that Detail – so once he had recovered from his injuries, which looked at first more serious than they were, he was called to the Commander's Office: "take a pew, MacDougal, cigarette? tot of grog? relax man, Captain Buccleuch and I just want to bat a few ideas about, where that four might have gone, could they have been taken on board a Kraut sub? that sort of thing; but don't get the idea we're just indulging in omphaloskepsis, in newspeak, which has become all the rage back in Whitehall, we're 'brainstorming' and we want some help from you, as the last person to see them. see?" and Buccleuch chipped in: "clear as mud, eh, Dougal? don't mind if we drop the ranks in here, there's nobody listening, just as chickens, three canny Scots – well, half the Ship's Company hail from north of the Border, so did those four chaps, didn't they? have a refill, and another ciggie," and Abernathy spoke next: "isn't the MacDougal Clan connected to the MacFarlane's – some kind of marriage settlement, way back – do you know?" at which MacDougal's face clouded: "aye, sir," at which he was chided by Abernathy: "Christian names, Dougal, Club Rules, I'm Archie and the Captain here is Bertie," and the NCO looked up: "they cry me Dougie, si' pardon, Airchie," and the Commander beamed at him: "good man, here, top him up, Bertie," and Buccleuch did: "have you ever suffered from audiation, Dougie? it's common among submariners, I believe," asked Archie, going on to explain: "you can hear a piece of music, maybe just a piano, or violin, maybe a whole orchestra, but there's no-one actually playing nearby, noy a gramophone record, or radio, it's all in your head," but MacDougal shook his, so Abernathy went on: "for instance, I cam hear someone singing, right now, in my head, clear as a bell, how about you, Dougie?" and again Dougie shook his head, "how about you Bertie. can you?" and the Captain nodded: "aye, Archie, but it's a bit distant for me and I can't make out the words," so Archie began to sing: "It's a sin to tell a lie." buy not in Fats Waller's jazz rhythm, instead his deep bass turned it into a mournful dirge and he could see the marked change in MacDougal's demeanour: "are you all right, Dougie? looking a bit pale, feel" asked Buccleuch, solicitously, "another dram? here's a ciggie, are you feeling ok?" and really marvelled at the correctness of the Commander's theory, for the alazony was all to clear in the guilt now etched on the Lance-Corporal's face!
But the truth of the matter was, there was no precipitancy, and nor had the four escapees been picked up by a submarine, they were still on land, having covered up the direction which they had taken by a simple ruse: first, Doubleday had walked under cover of darkness towards the cove, with a spare pair of boots on his hands, making two sets of prints, and returned, backwards, making two more; then, dressed cap-a-pie like any of the other personnel, they had left the site of Tabarin by a route which already had many footprints, walking backwards until well away from the Camp, then they had donned snowshoes and continued walking backwards for several miles before they turned and headed towards the German naval base; it was a long hike, but once there, with the knowledge of AKA, who had been here once, before the war. and identified a secret bunker and entered it, closing and locking it behind them: "there are supplies here which will keep us going for a month," said AKA, "and a radio transmitter which will enable us to contact any vessel of the Kriegsmarine which comes within range," so, exhausted by their daring escape, and after a meal from the stores and after AKA produced a bottle of whisky and plied them with just enough to help them relax, they quickly made up four of the cots in the bunk-room and retired for the night, which was when Elginbrod asked: "do you think we can trust MacDougal?" but MacFarlane made it clear that he had no time for such omphaloskepsis!
Meanwhile, down in Antarctica in the middle of World War II, Sir Paladin MacFarlane, Doughty Doubleday, Martin Elginbrod KC and Hamish MacDonald (otherwise AKA Reichsmarschall Hermann Goering), had escaped from The Brig, the Hut in which they were being held until they could be sent back by ship to the United Kingdom; where or how they had obtained weapons was not known, but when Lance Corporal Dougal MacDougal was found beaten senseless just inside the door of The Brig, the hue and cry ensued and their trail through the snow was followed to a little rocky cove where it ended; the quartet had either perished in the sea or had been picked up by a German submarine; a party was sent overland to the German Naval Base, but there was no sign of any enemy presence or activity, no indication of a landing, nothing to offer a clue as to what had happened; when MacDougal regained consciousness, he told Commander Abernathy and Captain Buccleuch that when he had unlocked to door to The Brig, instead of finding the prisoners shackled, they had attacked and overpowered him: "they hud fork handles, sur, and hut me aboot the heid and boady, sur!" at which Abernathy remarked to Buccleuch: "it's quite remarkable that they subdued him, armed only with four candles! he's a strong and fit young man, what do you make of it, Captain?" and the Captain, managing with difficulty to keep a straight face, said: "not four candles, sir, Fork Handles, Handles for Forks, the ones we use for digging," and Abernathy slapped his own head, "of course, yes, just testing you Captain, but how could they have laid hands on them?" and Buccleuch rubbed his chin: "it's possible we may have an enemy agent in our midst, sir, and if they were in contact with an enemy vessel, that would mean a radio – I'll conduct a routine search of all the Huts and see what we turn up; there aren't that many hiding places in the Huts, and a radio is quite a bulky thing to hide, sir; perhaps we could use one of the huskies, they've got a good sense of smell and if we let one sniff one of our own transmitters, it's possible it may find one hidden; I'll give it a go, anyway," and Abernathy nodded: "very good, Captain, and meanwhile I'll interview all the personnel myself – can you fetch me the files on every man here, well, aside from the three Glaswegians of course, but I can't see Cohen or the Loch Brothers having anything to do with it, relations between them and the escapees are hardly cordial, pretty strained in fact – if those four had been dead, of course, I would immediately suspect the other three of being implicated in some way; but let's see what my questioning of the rest of the crew throws up – it really does seem to be, what do they call it? an inside job; oh and the Duty Sheets as well, let's see where everyone was – or should have been – between the last check on the prisoners, and finding poor MacDougal," so Captain Buccleuch saluted and left the Commander to look around The Brig for any clues; but this felt like an exercise in omphaloskepsis, there being nothing out of order in the place, nowhere to secrete more than a pencil, let alone a radio transmitter or, what were they? fork handles! and the Commander reflected that his first thought in any other context would be cherchez la femme, but apart from young Able Seaman Nelson from Wimborne, in the occasional concert parties, the only muliebrity that graced Operation Tabarin's shores was in the chanchada musicals occasionally delivered from Brazil and projected in the Mess Hut, nicknamed The Shard, poised as it is on the edge of an ice-sheet, and the largest of the buildings here and the only one which can accommodate the entire company of HMS Penguin – their unofficial name for the Base!
And it was by the sheerest good chance that, just before the train was set to depart from the slopes of the Middle Eildon, Rose Mitnick caught sight of a blur at the edge of her vision and turned just in time to shout: "Teri, wait!" and ran towards the couple who looked set to board; luckily that was enough for them to miss the driverless train which moved off at it's set time and Rose reached Teri and her friend, who was wondering what this was all about: "hi Rose, this is my friend – my new friend – Robin," said Teri as the others, who had been keeping lookout at various points on the hills, hurried towards them; Hyman gave the brief outline and Lulu filled in the details, but while Milly gave Teri a cwtch, it was Isa who summed up: "if this is right and they can manage it, this whole landscape is going to be sent backwards in Time to 2038, to exactly where it's located now, with all the people and everything else; now, they may come out to check first, or they may already be in the Cave System – which is probably where they'll trigger the Time Warp – but they weren't on the train and they'll probably be waiting for the Funfair to close at 9pm, so we should find somewhere safe; I don't think they've done anything on this scale before, so it might be quite a bumpy ride!" and Robin nervously asked: "whit ur ye talkin aboot, gaunin back in time? whirraboot ma cousins, they'll be looking fur me?" so Teri drew her aside to give a potted account of Worm Holes and the Space/Time Continuum, which only succeeded in bring forth tears and wails from the confused and distraught Robin, until there was a slight tremor from deep underground and the most unusual and unseasonal petrichor – that sweet smell of grass at the first rains of spring – when Hyman hissed: "take cover, folks, bandits at twelve o’clock!" and the figures of MacFarlane and Doubleday, silhouetted against the pale evening sky, were followed by two of the goons and two young women; "it's the DA and the other girl my pal spotted at the Trucking Depot," and to Isa: "you're the only law officer here, hunny, even though you're out of your jurisdiction, but if we manage to nail them when this manoeuvre is over, make sure you Mirandize em, don't want them to walk on a technicality!" and when Isa asked, "what's Mirandize mean, Milly, who watched all the tv cop shows said: "caution em, Guv, read em their rights!" and then they were all pulled down into a narrow cave which had just opened behind them, and Nigel led them into a small chamber: "you'll be safe in here, until we land, ladies and gentleman, please excuse me, I have the Pudden Race to attend to!"
But it was Lulu who got the Crown Jewels: she had somehow penetrated the offices of MacFarlane and Doubleday down a side alley of the Country Club and found an empty room, well, more a large cupboard and with the use of a tumbler, had listened to the conversation in the adjoining executive suite; so it was that she discovered that, after the Fair and Neanderthal World closed for the night, everything was to be scrithed back in time to 2038 – lock, stock and "Ruddin Pace," (Doubleday's spoonerism, not my typo – Ed) every man, woman and child! there was no clue in the talk between the two Time Travelling schemers as to how this would be achieved, but rehearsals had gone well and they had every faith in the plan; Atomic Tables, Periodic Tables, Tide Tables, Water Tables, even Multiplication Tables and Horoscopes had been consulted and it seemed that they had cleared the last obstacle – a small house, home to a family of Abecedarians, an Anabaptist Sect, which stood at the entrance to the site, it was a shame about the kids, but progress (or regress) will go where it goes and this was no time to be squeamish, or a cry-baby – this last said by MacFarlane to Doubleday; Lulu exfiltrated herself by the same window she had used to infiltrate and set off to round up the others: they were scattered throughout the Fair but even after she had got most of them, there was still no sign of Teri and it was agreed that she was either in the Neanderthal World complex, or had left the Fair for some reason, so they would have to go without her: the last train of the day was just about to leave the small station, on the perimeter, when they managed to board it, spread out along it's length so as not to identify themselves as being one large group: "but once we are in, how are we going to find her?" asked Sadie, and Kaplan replied: we won't have much time, the train gets back to the Home Station in an hour, I guess we just make sure she doesn't take the train out and hope for the best!"
Now, as it happens, observant readers will have suspected that the two ogres standing guard outside the Main Cavern, and referred to by Theresa as Gog and Magog, are in fact the amnesiac ex-Russian Oilygarchs, beneficiaries of post-Perestroika dekulakization and now named by Sir Parlane MacFarlane as Digby and Percy, but formerly known to their Mothers and Fathers as Paderewski Varolov, and Dmitri Dosvedanya! yes indeed, the very same who just a short while ago (in our very own Present Time) had met with the two Professors Sir Clement Dane, and the Very Reverend Angus MacAngus in the Town House Hotel in Melrose with a view to stealing from the three naïve Scots, the manuscript diary, or Journal, of Sir Parlane MacFarlane only to find themselves apparently deceased at the hands of MacAngus – much to his intense shame at slaying the leviathans and delight that he had it in him – and it is rather surprising that, with a diet rich in protein, their hair allowed to grow and grow and grow wild on their heads and faces, bodies tanned and weather-beaten from exposure to the elements with minimal covering, they do indeed exhibit much in common with the Puddin Race who have happily adopted them, and taught them sufficient in their Dundonian Dialect to pass for natives in this new Home from Home, this recreation of their own three-peaked mountain across Time and Space; but the gold teeth have been niggling away in Theresa's mind since she and Robin started on their Woolly Mammoth Burgers on huge doorstep baps and with a portion of Rocky Mountain Fries on the side; she has seen them before, she muses, giving free rein to her imaginarianism – not being one to peer regularly into the gaping maws of such patently malevolent maulers and bruisers – but where? and the faintest memory of waiting for a train from Melrose to Edinburgh comes almost unbidden to mind, of catching sight of the Danes and MacAngus, loitering suspiciously behind a sign ordering passengers not to leave items of luggage or parcels unattended or they may be blown up by the Bomb Squad and she notes the small satchel MacAngus holds tightly to his chest' and then again, when the train arrives, the last two passengers to descend, elbowing Theresa aside, two gruff and burly beefcake, who stand side by side as Theresa climbs aboard and finds a seat by the window where she can watch the two, standing, waiting, chewing um and muttering to each other, and then, the big wide grins, just for a fraction of a millisecond, but just long enough for the sun to catch those gold fillings before the welcome party reaches them and it becomes all business, as the visitors are ushered off the platform and into a waiting taxi: "those twa Giant Haystacks ootside," she confides to Robin, "ah've seed them afore, back hame, dressed like a pair o thay Rooshin Oilygowks, ye ken, hen?" at which Robin nods, though she hasn't the faintest idea whit oan earth Teri is jabberin oan aboot: "these seats is awfy muckle uncomfortable, ur they no?" she asks, squirming in an attempt to get away from one particularly sharp and persistent pressing point, and knowing that her resistentialism is richt an troo and finding here ample proof that some things in the world certainly dae hae minds o their ain an only ane purpose – tae mak life herd an painful fur a wee wummin frae Auchenshoogle!
"Oh, Theresa Green,
And the sky is grey,"
not to put too fine a point on it, the feisty singer's mondegreen assault on the lyrics increased, rather than decreased, my feelings of homophily, so I took her hand in a more inclusive clasp as we neared the cave-mouth; two hulking brutes stood, like Gog and Magog on either side of the entrance: "oo a oo?" said Gog,"o oo oo a?" said Magog, which, because I had spent a holiday in Dundee when I was 7 I was able to translate, from the inflexions as 'who are you?' and 'what do you want?" so, excising all the consonants from my speech, I told them that we were tourists who wondered if we might join the Puddin Race for a meal? "ee a uo'i a ee oi i u-e a o a ea?" at which the heavily hirsute faces broke into huge grins, which showed a number of gold fillings in the teeth, which puzzled me, but, casting contradictions to the four winds, I pulled Robin into the Cavern where we were greeted to the incongruous sight of three or four dozen Neanderthals, of various ages from one to fifty or sixty, wearing casual late-21st Century dress, seated at tables covered in gleaming white linen and eating from bone-china crockery with silver cutlery and drinking tea and coffee or, in the case of the children, milk and orange juice; one infant, sitting in a high chair, and wearing a bib, laughed as it splashed it's food onto the table, to the concern of the mother, who was busy dabbing with a wet-wipe: "this is obviously no whit we’re spose tae see," laughed Robin. which was when a harassed waitress, a Neanderthal girl of about sixteen rushed up and, taking our elbows, steered us through to an adjacent and smaller cave set out for the visitors to sit on low rocks and use slightly higher, flat-topped boulders, as tables; here the waitresses wore animal skins instead of white aprons and carried thin slices of tree-trunks as trays: "this's mair like it," we both said, allowing ourselves to be uncomfortably seated and given a menu, scribbled on a large leaf!
MacFarlane and Doubleday hoped and expected that the compliant Pudden Race under the direction of their Chief, Nigel, would, in the face of superior intellect, realise their Neanderthal place in the Grand Scheme of MacFarlane's Neanderthal World, and comply with the vox populi which had quickly identified that the underground railroad, winding it's way up and down the cave network and giving unparalleled views of and access to participate in conjugal relations among the Neanderthals and with them, thus perhaps altering the DNA of future generations; this do-all concept had not allowed for Nigel's irrational, unforeseen and selfish decision to act in a way, quite conversely, and against all expectations of a Neanderthal's intellectual capability, to formulate a decision to encourage the majority of his Race to spend most of their Cave-Time in the Main or Community Cavern, which could only be accessed directly from the west-facing hillside, although there was a shot viewing gallery along which the train passed, invisible to the Neanderthals, discernible only as a faint rumble, but it was a view-only opportunity, with no facility for passengers to speak to or touch the Race members in the Cavern; from there the tubular train wound in a tight spiral down below the cave network to emerge on the riverbed and follow the flow for a couple of miles to come to a stop at what appeared to be the entrance to a large cave – there, a number of young athletes prepared for the most dangerous spectacle: tourists were invited to throw something valuable into the cave, a watch, diamond ring, even a wad of cash; then at a given signal, the athletes, lithe boys and girls, dash into the depths of the cave to retrieve what they could, and escape before the cave roof crashed down, revealing itself to be only the gaping mouth of an enormous kaiju! three didn't make it, and their families would be compensated, while those who did kept what they had recovered – plus a bonus – and were applauded by the thrilled spectators, who were only too happy when the train started moving again and they escaped from the burning eyes and vicious teeth of the carnivorous monster! oh, this would be the story they'd all take home and word-of-mouth was the surest way to draw bigger crowds and once the kaiju got the scent of a regular bellyful of food living in the nearby hills with their cave system it would make Neanderthal World the biggest draw in the Americas!
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