It all kicked off when several members of The Ring were discussing who should have first go with Poppy, the little blonde Ingmarsson girl; her father was grinning broadly, as Sir Parlane, Knickers, and Ralphy each staked his claim, and then Dickie Albany chipped in that as he was a Royal Duke, his position was higher than even Sir Parlane's; at which MacFarlane gave him a dirty look; then Knickers called for Christiane to come over and help: "you're the Bookings Secretary on the Village Hall Committee, come and sort this out for us," but her glare stopped him in his tracks; she visibly bristled and spoke more sharply than anyone had ever heard before: "you should be ashamed of yourselves, the whole fucking lot of you, and you!" she faced Ingmarsson, "you are a disgrace as a man and especially a Father! you should be protecting your daughter," and she wrapped an arm around the little girl, all your children, instead of handing them out to these other sick perverts to assault and abuse – she hasn't chosen this, you have! it's disgusting and morally reprehensible and the lot of you, all of you, every single one of you should be thrown in jail and be left to rot at the mercy of some brutes who'll fuck the arses off you while the guards turn a deaf ear," there was a stunned silence, and Knickers started to rise to restrain her, but she kicked him back onto the sofa, "you might as well know that I've just called the Police – not that other nasty shit, Doubleday, the good cops – I do happen to know people other than you creeps, and they are on their way!" and as she was grabbed from behind by Dominic Doubleday, she cried out: "they know I'm here and waiting for them, so if you kill me, they will find my body and it'll be all the worse for you shites!"
which was when the proverbial shit hit the proverbial fan and with an unexpected illapse, delivering a chop to her neck with the side of his hand, Doubleday rendered her unconscious – without cunctation, using her own falling momentum, he threw her to the floor, while the rest of the group were struggling to their feet and collecting what they needed for a quick getaway; distant sirens cut through the house and they quickened their efforts: Sir Parlane and Doubleday quickly left by the garden door, Ingmarsson gathered his children and bustled them out the side door to try to get away in his car before the drive was blocked, Dickie Albany and Ralphy were rooted to the spot by indecision, before finally moving with laterigrade steps towards the utility room and the door leading out to the small yard where the wheelie bins stood and which would enable them to use the lane which wound round the rear of the neighbouring houses, Knickers gave Christiane a kick to the head before chasing after the Time Travellers, and only the unconscious Christiane was left behind, though by the time the first Police Officers, DC Milly Millican and a uniformed WPC Dotty Douglas entered, there was no body to be found, the house was deserted, although there was clear evidence that a violent struggle had taken place in the Sitting Room: blood on the carpet and a single woman's shoe! without any cunctation, they had the Crime Scene secured before the next group of officers, led by DI Gordon Brevity and his wife Sergeant Goldy Brevity arrived, closely followed by SOCOs including Professor Carolina Moonbeam who had just happened to be in the area, by a rather strange co-incidence, if you believe in co-incidence! and the redoubtable and highly intuitive Professor of Forensic Science quickly scanned the area from the front door to the sitting room: "the victim here was a blonde with shoulder-length hair, a large woman, probably size 20 and I'd guess 5'3" without her heels, age around 30 but could be 5 years either side of that, the assault on her happened about 20 minutes ago and her name is Christiane, for I'm a Mental Detective*, and I'm all right, I work all day and I work all night," using a neologism which seemed utterly appropriate from one whose intellectual approach to the solution of crime was considered by her many fans to be on a par with the Baker Street sleuth of fiction! she pointed to the carpet: "she stood there, facing the sofas and her listeners, she was pressing her heels hard into the pile, obviously impassioned, then her first assailant, standing behind her, a big heavy man wearing probably size 13 boots with tackets, see the impressions, the pile hasn't yet had time to recover, struck her, and she fell there, see the blood, probably from a punctured ear-drum, the assailant moved towards the garden door, followed by another, who stumbled there, see, the others left by the various doors which were left open, one kicked her in the head, see the rest of the blood, from a different injury, and from the impressions on the sofas, I'd say five people, plus the assailant, three left by that door, one collected the children who'd been playing in the hall, their toys are still there, see, as are several bags, so two boys and a girl and they went out the side door towards the drive, probably his car had been there, and the last pair, almost clinging to each other, their sideways steps are overlapping, went out through the utility room, see where one brushed against the rough wood of the door-frame and left some hairs from his tweed jacket, and there is an abundance of forensic evidence in this room alone plus whatever else we collect around the house, I should think we'll be able to give you fingerprints, DNA and enough fibres to stuff a King Size Duvet! oh and her name was on the cards in her purse, in the pocket of her size 20 coat hanging on the coat-stand out there – first thing I looked at as I came in, the shoe in here is a size 6 from Clark's so that and the style and length of the coat give me a good idea of her height, build and age, but I am happy enough to stand corrected – find her handbag and together with the purse you will know all about her and her husband – I'd guess he was the one who kicked her as he passed where she lay, on his way to the garden door there!"
(Editor's Note: Mental detective – one whose skills in Observation, Reasoning, Reconstruction and Deduction enable her to explain an event almost as though she can visualise it in situ while the pictures actually exist in her own mind).