Which was how it came to be that Martin Elginbrod QC came to blows with Duncan Doubleday, Assistant Chief Constable, in The Grassmarket that morning! their scheme having backfired on them and on Shelley 'Bouncer' Ball, for an unnamed officer in the Scottish Security Service had accidentally left a briefcase containing nothing but a flash-drive which held only several (illicitly? no-one would confirm or deny) tapped telephone conversations between those three individuals detailing their attempt to blacken the names and reputations of the former and present First Ministers – Eck Salamander and Ginger Goldfish – by producing, with much puffery, their alleged 13-year-old 'love-child' supposedly adopted at birth and raised by a childless Romanian couple but who, as it happens, turned out to be 27-year-old Belfast-born prostitute, Bella O'Hare, and the subsequent discovery, entirely by chance, of the file in the flash-drive in the briefcase which just happened to be found by Tammy Shanter, The Scotsman's Conspiracy Columnist and, it's only fair to say, daughter of Tavish Dalwhinnie and Tabby Shanter – themselves former members of the Secret Service – produced a whopper of a story which grew so many heads, arms and legs in the telling and re-telling, from Holyrood to The Gallowgate and from Gretna Green to John o'Groats, that even five-year-old Primary Ones were asking their teachers: "Miss, Miss, question: what's a Post It Eat? answer: an Elgin Breid Double Decker!" – collapse of classroom discipline; now, neither of the aforementioned gentlemen being very fit, both being somewhere in their middle-age and given to eating three square meals a day washed down as was their wont with copious amounts of Irn-Bru and Single Malt, their fight was a spectacle more for it's funny side than any likelihood of a knock-out (cardiac arrest had the edge on that) and none of the spectators took one bookie's odds for two falls, two submissions or a knock-out to decide the winner, the smart money was on fatigue to produce an early draw with the collapse of both Stout Parties! and when the same bookie offered 2-1 against Elginbrod and 2-1 on Doubleday (possibly only on account of the ACC wearing size 13 boots and with the prospect of a lucky kick to the goolies bringing an early end to the punch-up) his bag began to fill with £5 and £10 notes. most backing The Whirligig against The Judderer, that was when word reached The Grassmarket and Cowgate Community Policing Hub and alerted Sergeant Goldie Brevity to a quite serious Breach o the Peace and quickly pulling WPCs Moira Mooney and Celeste MacHeath away from the Surveillance Room where they were watching a naked man cavorting on The Castle battlements, much to the amusement of a crowd of Japanese tourists, who all wanted selfies with him, the gallant trio hurried along to where a large and raucous crowd had gathered and was egging on the combatants; but when she saw who they were, Goldie withdrew her squad to a high vantage point from where they could clearly see each pinch and punch, slap and tickle and hear every grunt, groan and grind and thoroughly enjoy watching the evil pair maul each other – and then it was all over: the two brawlers collapsed and lay prostrate in the grime and glaur of the gutter, the bookie declared a draw and closing his bag retired to a nearby pub to count his takings and the crowd dispersed, in search of more fun and games.