Rambles Aroonaboot Morningside an The Braid Hills
by Nancy Rathbone
Weel, in response tae requests fi readers, wha fondly recalled last year's eclectic series o Walks Aroonaboot Morningside, me an ma trusty wee freen, Hector the Sausage Dug, hae embarked oan a further range o Rambles an this week's taks us intae The Braid Hills; noo, no mony fowk ken that the origin o the name Braid isnae frae a use o the Scotch pronunciation o the wurd broad as braid, bit rather fi Henri de Brad, a Norman wha wis Sheriff o Embra in the 12th century an owned an estate oan the lower slopes an jist as de Brus was respelt Bruce, so de Brad cam aboot tae be Braid so, as it happens, tho they urny as high as the nearby Pentlands, the Braid Hills offer sum fine views oot tae the Forth an Fife, ye micht catch sight o pufflings makin fer the Isle o May or The Bass Rock but efter derk, an possessed wi ma nicht-sicht binoculars, they huv loats o oppertunity tae see nature close up; weel, oan ma walk yestern nicht, me an Hector wis accompanied by Madame de Parmentier (she's no goat a dug bit she'll whiles tak a shottie wi Hector's lead) and Mrs Askew-Pemberton (wha's weel kent in Morningside oan accoont o her late husband Iver bein a Director o the Royal Bank when it crashed an wis biled oot by Gordon Broon, PM at the time - wi his golden haunshake, the Askew-Pemberton's wis able tae buy Monifieth Hoose in ane o the best streets in Morningside; ah dinny begrudge them, they wis shunned by aw the RBS customers in Embra but bein as hoo ah've aye been wi the Bank o Scotland, ah wisnae personally affected an Madeleine keeps her dosh in a pillowcase in her attic, tho it's unlikely the Revenue will come efter her, some o her clients bein top names in the city!, so we set aff efter dusk, each o us hain a wee knapsack wi the essentials; ah'll no tak up space wi directions o oor ramble, the attached map shows the route we took an is self explanatory: efter a bit o a hike, an feelin a wee bittie weyworn, we reached a grassy knoll whaur we set wursels doon fer a fag an a nip an surveyed the city, wi lichts springin intae life aw ower, it wis a bonny sicht; then ah pulled oot ma binoculars an swept the scene, until somethin close by took ma attention – ah kent the hoose an ah kent wha bides in it: that evil, schemin, spongin, oops, ah almost swore in print, which is sumthin ah never dae, bit sich wis ma intense dislike oh the maun that ah peered intae his lit up rooms an eventually spotted him: Martin Elginbrod QC WS OBE! wha's erse he licked tae get that last yin ah cannae say, but it must've bin a richt royal ane! but there the swellheid wis, as large as life staunin in the windae an starin richt at me – ah nearly frapped ma binoculars but the sicht wis sae unnexpectit that ah kept a ticht haud on them an focussed till he wis pin sharp: he wis neckit! well, as much as ah cood see, he seemed tae hae a muckle sporran hung in front o his privates, an wis pleyin wi it, so ah haunded the binoculars tae Madeleine an askit her tae hae a keek; she let oot a whustle, which surprised me, ah didny think wimmin cood whustle, ah ken ah cannae, an then she said: "he's gettin a BJ," which baffled me, so she explained an ah wis disgusted: "wha'd want a thing like that in their gub?" ah askit her an she laughed: "oh, well, not me for sure, but I'm a Dominatrix and submit to no man, but many women take it, even if they don't like it, and of course gay men, submissives, or some guys switch," and Mrs Askew-Pemberton coughed, and said: "excuse me, but I couldn't help overhearing, I hope you don't think me nosey, but I think I know what you meant by BJ – my husband spent most of his life In The Cupboard, and I don't mean as a Bank Manager," an she gied a nervous wee laugh, "it was only after he died that I found out about his Secret Life;" hur sentences wis peppered wi italics an pregnant pauses but ah thocht tae masel: "methinx hur an me's oan commin grund as regerds the Weasel Shagger!"
To Be Continued