Still Ramblin up-hill an doon-dale Aroonaboot Morningside
by Nancy Rathbone
Mrs Askew-Pemberton hud tooken a guid grasp o the binoculars an fair wrested them fi Madeleine an quickly found the object of our comments; she gasped: "that's that bastardin swellheid Elginbrod – he's the ane wha led Iver astray – well, no strictly troo, ah suspect he wis aye thon wey inclined, but Elginbrod egged him oan!" it was a surprise when she dropped her clipped Pan Loaf voice and reverted tae the tongue o her roots: Burdiehoose! she hud stertit an noo she continued: "he wis a Slavi," she said, "am urny racist, it's whit memburs o the Rooshan Orthodontix Church ca' theirsels, his full name wis Ivan Erminovitch Rostropovitch, which wis a moothful fer abdy else, sae when he wis Naturally-sized he chinged it tae sumpn mair ordinary, Iver Novello Pemberton, an when we goat wedded he added ma name, Askew and gied it a hyphen, as he sed: 'whit cood be mair ordinary and British a name than Askew-Pemberton?' an it helped him get his fit oan the ledder at the Royal, weel that an tellin abdy that he'd been tae Gordanstoon wi Prince Cherlie! oh he cood spin yarns like a Harris Tweed weaver, but he met his match wi that Elginbrod; noo therr's a sleazy fucker if ye want ane; efter he keeled ower – an bye the wey, it wis in bed, like it sed in the peppers, bit no wur merrit bed an no wi me – ah used tae be a midwife at Elsie Inglis an a still hae freens in the NHS an a goat telt he wis in bed wi sum fifteen-year-auld buoy, whae wis dressed as a schill-gurl an had his will up Iver's bum and when he hud the hert attack, his mussels gaed intae spasm so the para-medics coodny pull the buoy oot, an they hud tae pit the baith o thum on ane stretcher an tak thum tae A&E so the docs cood dae it; an ah ken fur a fack thon Elginbrod fund oot Iver's predisposition and used that tae reel him in, an it wis Elginbrod wha persuadit Iver tae invest millions o the Bank's money into dodgy schemes, so when the crash came it wis like a car-smash fur Iver, his hale life went doon the tubes; oh we goat the hoose wi his severince pey, but he kept runnin efter Elginbrod an a woodnae be surprised if there wis drugs tae – lik smack an crack an skunk an goad kens whit else – it wis thae an shaggin we buoys wot kilt 'im bit he wis deid afore that, an Elginbrod wis just clearin oot the garbage; it dusnae tak a pardigm shift o viewpoint tae come up wi an alternative tae the Polis Report tae the Fiscal that sed it wis a combined hert attack an stroke brought on by unusual exertion, unusual ma erse! av proof that he wis shaggin an bein shagged by young kids several times a week an twice on Sundays, they sed nae drugs in his system but he wis snorklin white powder for ten or fifteen years afore, nah! it's like yer chance o findin a virgin in a whoore-hoose oan Hogmanay! zero-pint-zero!"
Tae be continued agen